I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
