Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
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there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Two words: blizzard sex
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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