you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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