I wanna bring you to show and tell
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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