I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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