Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
