I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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