you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
