If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
