What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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