I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm like, not good at living.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
