Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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