I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
