; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
