Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this boner is exhausting
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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