I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
