OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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