so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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