I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
