Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
