The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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