I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
