Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
