'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
