I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
