I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
