I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
