I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
