fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
