Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
