And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
