she was so not down for the gang bang
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
