How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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