My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
