Apparently you make a good broom.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
