I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
