I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
