Swine flu. Run for my life!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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