Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
