You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
