My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
