i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
