so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
