There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.