Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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