he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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