I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
