I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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