my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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