the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
