break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
