I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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