The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
