Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
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So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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