I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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