Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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