Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
